Hello New and
Returning Readers,
Many apologies that
I have not been blogging as much. I have been getting your comments and
emails. It’s been a very busy year so far and I can’t believe half of the
year is almost over. Wow! Time flies when you are having fun!
It’s startling to
me how things seem to be getting more amazing every year, and until you
try something new or different, you don’t realize how much more your happiness
can grow exponentially. If you’ve read my blog since the beginning you
know I am strong believer in creating your own luck, planting seeds
consistently so they can come to fruition later, not making things worse, and
controlling what you can, because you can’t control other people or
circumstances. The inspiration this latest blog was spurred for 3 reasons.
First, I read a
quote that put that message in the most concise way I had ever read it.
You can never have
a happy ending at the end of an unhappy journey; it just doesn’t work out that
way. The way you’re feeling, along the way, is the way you’re continuing
to pre-pave your journey, and it’s the way it going to continue to turn out
until you do something about the way you are feeling. -Abraham Hicks
Second, without
much thought or effort, I’ve changed a couple things by lucky coincidence that
have made a big impact like dominoes that will permeate in other areas
of my life. I can attribute these to exemplifying my happiness to becoming the happiest I’ve ever been. And you know I was pretty
psyched about life before! :D Here are some little things that made
a drastic difference.
1.
I sleep with an eye mask that also covers my ears
and the entire bridge of my nose so no light can seep in from under.
2.
I am less a raging night owl. There was
actually a period of a couple of weeks where I was waking up at 630am every day
to work out, sometimes twice a day - a pilates class and then walking 4-6 miles too. Prior to that, it was not surprising for me to be up until 3am or
4am and then to catch up on sleep all weekend by sleeping in until 2pm or
later. I now sleep between 12am-2am and will take the rare nap when
needed on the weekends.
3.
I have a routine where I go grocery shopping
every Sunday night to buy my food for the week. The money I was spending
on eating out 3x a day can be put towards fun things or even more for my
savings accounts.
Third, I’ve been
asked for advice a lot - from a family member about negotiating a salary and an
employment contract, a friend on how to interview and prepare for a job, a
loved one on how to make the better decision, and with 2 friends who are
budding entrepreneurs, and a couple of others. I also am navigating my
way through the barrage of requests in my personal life & hobbies -
whether to become a committee member where I volunteer, taking a meeting, or
doing a favor however big or small.
Now, onto the
reason for this post.
I’ve written before
on learning how to say no. And in consulting with some of the people
above, I also realized a part of it was tied to self esteem/confidence, knowing
what they wanted, or establishing priorities. These changes require a
tremendous amount of time and effort. However, the deeper realization
came that it’s more so about awareness, having healthy boundaries, and you
yourself are an investment worth protecting. Right now, whether you
believe it or not, you have talents, time, energy, and skills unique to you
that must be safe-guarded for the mere fact that you are alive and no one lives
forever. Only you can live your life, no one else can live it for you, so
only you can be the first line of defense to protect your own well-being.
Of course, this is assuming you are not a conjoined twin. :)
I’ve given a lot of
thought to being an effective EA, living life well, and learning and growing
for many years. And on that journey, I’ll share an actual incident that
happened to me shortly after college. By this point I had been working
for maybe a year or two. Near our office was a small little mini mart
type shop similar to what you might find connected to a gas station, but a lot
nicer. One day, I was walking out to lunch and I ran into a co-worker who
was on their way back to the office after having eaten. This person
wasn’t in my department, much less on my floor. I didn’t know them well
and if anything, we only knew each other because we worked at the same company,
but did not work together. I knew them more or less in passing.
They stop me and
say, “I didn’t have a chance on my lunch break to go buy my lottery tickets.
Here’s some money, would you go buy it?” I was so shocked at the
request that I didn’t know what to say except yes. Meanwhile, my inner
dialogue was annoyed, asking what sort of person blatantly asks for a favor
like that, why should I spend 15 min of my lunch break to do a personal favor
because they didn’t plan well or remember, and how would I prepare myself in
case they asked me again tomorrow or everyday going forward. Luckily, it
never happened again and like a dutiful, obedient person, I ended my lunch
break early to walk to their office and hand over their change and lottery
tickets.
There was nothing
in the situation where the person asking for the favor should have believed I
owed it to them to do it. They weren’t my boss, they weren’t even senior
to me on the org chart, we were barely acquaintances, and I didn’t owe them a favor. I might have seen
that person once a month in the halls. And yet, from their PERSPECTIVE they thought
it was totally fine to ask because they needed something.
Ever since I was a
teenager, I’ve always been interested in learning and growing as a person so I
will read all sorts of topics. And even though I’m not a parent, I read
that the latest trend is NOT teaching your kids to share. To quote the blog
post by Joe Martino:
I think it does a
child a great disservice to teach him that he can have something that someone
else has, simply because he wants it. And I can understand the desire to give
your children everything they want; we all have it. This is not how
things work in the real world.
With this new
trend, I’m pretty confident that person who asked me to buy their lottery
tickets or anyone reading my blog came from the SHARING IS CARING movement.
So we may have a hard time establishing boundaries, setting expectations,
saying no, and grapple with taking care of ourselves, even before or supposedly
at the expense of others. As kids we were raised to share upon demand
- whether it was having to give up the toy or expecting the toy without waiting
just because we asked, which shapes our minds as adults too. Once you
learn to be aware of an unreasonable request or situation, to trust your gut,
and establish boundaries, THEN saying no, negotiating for what you want, and
asserting yourself becomes much easier, and if I dare say, natural.
While EAs should
and are often expected to help out and wear many hats, there are still lines
that need to be drawn. I’ve heard from others where they were asked to
run out and get lunch for their more senior co-worker, and then never
reimbursed either because they were too shy to ask or felt it was inappropriate. Even though the person said they’d pay them back they never bothered to remember they owed money each week they asked for lunch to be picked up. I do agree that money
is a very touchy subject. Unfortunately, this meant they lost out
on hundreds of dollars.
At some point, the
healthy boundaries help you draw the mental line where you acknowledge to
yourself you are a separate person with your own wants, needs, desires, and
opinions and it’s okay to talk about it and be your own individual. So
this post is less about how to do x, y, z in a specific order and more about
how to simmer on the below 13 points.
1.
Realize that it’s not that people are “against”
you, but rather they are just FOR themselves.
2.
Anytime someone tries to rush you into a
decision, it’s probably an emergency and priority for them AND NOT YOU.
3.
Anytime you unhappily make an exception for
something, it’s hard to resist doing it again since you’ve already taught or
shown the other person that behavior/decision is acceptable/okay.
4.
You must have bare minimums or requirements of
what is acceptable or allowed so you know what you are basing your decisions on
and why.
5.
Stop, think, ask for more time to make a
decision, and ask yourself why you should do or not do x, y, z.
6.
Even if you have to say no, do it nicely.
7.
No one has the right to tell you that the way you
feel is wrong. They may disagree, but you are allowed to have your
feelings. They don’t get to decide how you feel.
8.
Be okay with re-visiting or re-opening the issue
at a later/better time if you feel like you didn’t get it quite right.
9.
Practice saying no, or you’re uncomfortable with
something, or you will need to get back to them so when you are in a situation,
your response is not automatically yes because you felt uncomfortable or didn’t
know what to say.
10.
Don’t be surprised if people will make you say no
or decline 2-3 times until they realize you’ve made up your mind.
11.
Be honest and let the first thing out of your
mouth be what you are feeling: Wow, I don’t know what to say. or Hmmm…
I’m a bit surprised. or I’m listening; I just to need to process
what you just said. Name your feeling then gather your thoughts on what
you want to say.
12.
If the person you decline gets angry, upset, or
don’t like your response, that’s not your issue. It’s theirs. It’s
okay they disagree, it’s not okay that they try to make you feel bad for it.
13.
Do your best, be patient with yourself and
others, and know life will forever be a learning curve.
I hope these tips help! If you have any to add or a story to share, please do so in the comments.
***New “rule” -
when you ask me a question for anonymous advice and I answer it, could you
write an anonymous comment so I know you're the one who ASKED and read the
post? :) As always, I usually tweet any new posts I have. And anyone can email
me questions and I respond only via this blog, not to your personal address. I
also write over at Jobstr.com under Hollywood Executive Assistant.
http://jobstr.com/threads/show/4303-hollywood-executive-assistant
