On Work / Life Balance and Supporting Those You Love

Dear Readers,

If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm an introvert and I like routine/being consistent more often than not.  Being introverted doesn't mean I'm shy or I dislike being around people.  Rather, it means that I tend to get drained very quickly when I go out and socialize for too long of a period.  I need a lot of down time and quiet surroundings to feel re-energized and to feel like myself again.  And the routine part means that I like being mindful with how I spend my time and am methodical about it.

Like almost everyone, regardless of profession, I struggle with work / life balance.  And most often in life, my largest struggles center around knowing the sweet spot of when is something too much versus too little.  At what point is something acceptable vs unacceptable?  Where do I draw the line?  Much of the time this also might look like a struggle between head and heart, logic and desire.  This, of course, not only affects me, but also those around me, especially my loved ones.

I wrote the following post at my 3rd blog site about how I've come to view work / life balance, my needs, in relation to others, their need for it, and how I support them.  If you read all the way through, you'll see that this post is relatable to anyone regardless of the lens I filter my personal story through.  And if I'm being really honest, it means the post was written as a reminder to myself when I I'm doing too much of one thing vs what I really should be doing.

I've pasted it for you here:

This Will Convince Your Wife or Girlfriend To Let You Play More Golf — From A Woman Who Loves A Golf Addict (Men, Forward This To Your Wives or Girlfriends)

Dear Golf Addicts & Their Ladies,

Before I met my dear boyfriend, I had never dated a golfer. I was like you, completely lost to the obsession of golf that men have with the sport. As a former outsider, it seemed less of a game and more of a long leisurely stroll, mainly, for nothing. It really seemed as though they were chasing a little white ball over here and over there and in between they were really just wanting an excuse to drink, smoke cigars, and hang out with their buddies. That might be the case with casual golfers. I thought to myself, if hanging out is really the point, just go on a hike with your buddies or we should just have a bar-be-que, throw a little party so all the wives and girlfriends could come too. So you might be wondering why I encourage my boyfriend to play as much golf as he wants.

When you are in love with a golf fanatic, it’s much different. It really is about their drive and love/hate relationship of wanting to improve their swing, their score, and that addictive chase of an amazing shot. It really is about “flow” where they are so in the zone, in the moment, in that space between where something is not so easy they get bored and borderline so hard they want to give up and pull out their hair. It’s that delicate balance of finding that right mix of good technique, a good strategy, vision, and feeling just challenged enough to chase the ultimate personal record which always seems so close, within reach, yet so far away.

If they are not playing every weekend or the entire weekend, they are practicing every single day — chipping and putting on the range, working on their short game. And it’s not just them being gone half of the day, it’s the obsession with the right club or the latest equipment. It’s as though looking at, buying, and collecting all the stuff is part of the obsession too. There’s also re-living with their buddies the best shot they ever hit or that one time when such and such happened, just insert that one same story [right here]. You know, the one that you can never relate to or understand what’s so funny.

To an outsider, golf just seems so boring compared to other sports. Where’s the excitement, the cheering and the yelling, the team camaraderie? No, in golf, if you tag along you have to be quiet, and observe so many rules, and be out in the hot sun or the cold wind. There’s no Jumbotron screen so you can catch all the action, see the instant replays, conveniently placed bathrooms, or 50 different counters to buy burgers, fries and ice cream.

But here’s what I’ve learned even before I met my dear boyfriend. Everyone, and I mean everyone, you, me, we all have something we’re obsessed with — yours might be marathons, crossfit, guilty-pleasure TV, yoga, reading, or your pet. And whatever your drug of choice is, I’m sure your boyfriend or dear husband, at the very least, loves to make fun of you for it. And at the very worst, hates having to hear you drone on about it or even join you when you’ve asked them to be next to you to watch/participate. And when they do agree, that one time a year or every 5 years, you’re so happy, even if they do it begrudgingly. Secretly he is hoping you’d just call your 20 girlfriends to gab about x, y, z instead.

Here’s what’s important to remember. Just like you, your man works. While you have your own career or are putting out fires as a stay-at-home mom and homemaker, or being a philanthropist, your man is out there at the office, out in the field, busting his a** doing what he does for a living. He works 40, maybe 50, 60+ hours a week sometimes. He provides for you, takes care of you, and is there for you in every way humanly possible. Because good men THRIVE on making their women happy, knowing he can please her. This might come as a big shock to you, but they really only live to have your respect. They want to impress you, have you be proud to be with them, and to make you smile. They want to be your superhero. They may not say this or have shown this at times, but that desire to know they make a world of difference in your life is there. If anything, the silent ones need and want this the most. It’s what gives them joy, a sense of accomplishment, and makes them feel like a man. If he can go out into the world and make an honest living and put a roof over his lady’s head or buy her a burger with cheese on it, he feels like a king. If he can make you laugh or share a fear knowing you will listen or feel that the spark between you two is so electric, it makes him feel alive and invincible. It’s YOU that makes him feel that way and no one else.

It’s known that men don’t have a lot of friends, or aren’t as close to their friends as women are with their best friends. It’s known that men aren’t allowed to be as open, emotional, or cry as much as women; it’s why statistically they die at a younger age than women. So trust me when I say he does EVERYTHING for you, in your name, as a demonstration of his love, to see your face light up and your eyes sparkle. Why? Because you are his Queen. You, the love of his life, are his world, his best friend, his confidante, his everything. So you might be asking what does this have to do with golf?!

Because here’s the secret. When you let men, people really, do whatever their heart desires, they get really happy. Your loved ones, they feel valued, validated, supported, and loved. They feel as though you see them for the unique individual that they are. They feel understood, heard, seen and cared for. And when they feel that way, they love you even more. I’m not saying you should do this because of what you’ll get in return. I’m saying you should do this because it’s the right thing to do and what you believe in. Because if you do it for any other reason besides that, he will know, and see right through your act. Be a good person, not because they are a good person, but because you are.

So how do you do it and also mean it? Have your own interests, be your own person, and go out and do something while he is golfing so that you are having just as much fun as he is. In every relationship, you have to have some independence and different hobbies. Otherwise, it just gets boring. Everyone also needs “me time.” You know the saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Will the world end if he plays golf on the weekend when he’s working Monday through Friday for you? Is it so terrible that he has the day all to himself to relax and do what he wants to do? What would happen if you happily let him go play as much as he wanted instead of him fighting to get out of the house? Try it one time, see what happens. I know, because I’ve tried it, even before I met my sweet, beloved golf addict.

Let’s do a quick math problem together. To play a round of golf, 18 holes, takes about 4 hours. Let’s pad it to 5 hours in case they like to show up early to warm up and practice on the golf range or the group in front of them is playing slow or someone shows up late. If you live in Los Angeles like I do and traffic is horrendous, let’s account for 1 hour of traffic each way. So now we are at 7 hours. Let’s add in another hour in case they eat lunch after 9 holes at the club house. Or even if they play straight through and eat between the holes from something from the golf cart snack lady, let’s keep that 1 hour cause maybe they want to have a nice cold drink and shoot the sh*t with their boys at the end of the day. So now we’re up to 8 hours of your man being gone to drive, play golf, and hang out. That’s a WORST-CASE SCENARIO, that your man is gone an entire work day to play golf.

We can also be very pragmatic. You work, your man works, so Monday through Friday you are each working and contributing to the managing the household and finances. Because your man is obsessed with golf, I’m going to assume he wants to play both Saturday and Sunday. Since there are 24 hours in a day, I think about it like this.

8 hours of sleep
8 hours of working or golfing
8 hours of free time

Granted, that’s a very rough breakdown because we get ready for work and have to commute so that might really only leave about 5 hours of free time each day Monday through Friday, that’s 25 hours. There is also 16 hours of non sleep time on Saturday and another 16 hours of non sleep time Sunday, 32 hours total. That’s a lot of free time. Are you telling me that your man can’t be gone for 8 hours on Saturday and/or Sunday to play golf if it leaves you 41 hours with him? 41 hours is a lot of hours. Being gone for 8 hours is the worst-case scenario because I doubled the 4 hours it takes to play 18 holes. If you have kids, he can play and come back after 5 hour or 6 hours. If he just wants to practice his short game he will be done in half that time. There are very few situations where letting your man leave for golf should be an issue.

If you’re going to have the argument of not having enough quality time with your man, relationship books say you only need 15 hours of quality time a week to have a close, intimate relationship. Quality time is defined as being together or doing an activity together that is engaging and you interact with each other, hopefully without cell phones or disruptions. Going to the movies or co-existing in silence does not count toward the 15 hours. Talking about the movie for 30 minutes afterward does. Catching up on your day over a meal counts, spending time with the kids counts, cooking together, jogging while talking together counts, date night counts, having a cocktail together at home counts. Almost any activity where you talk, laugh, share ideas, and actively enjoy each other’s company, and become closer counts. And those 15 hours can be spread out during the week. It can be two hours each night or any other configuration. The only goal is to have fun or a meaningful time together for 15 hours a week. It’s about giving each other your undivided, focused attention. So short of having a baby or if one of you is a raging workaholic, there is enough time for golf and quality time with loved ones. There is always enough time if, as a couple and a family, you have your priorities in order and do what is meaningful to you both.

There’s also give and take, push and pull in every relationship. So the more you get angry and upset that your man is playing too much golf, the more he will want to play to get away from your negative energy. The more you encourage him to go play, the more he will look forward to coming home to a positive and happy Queen. Encourage him to go play if for nothing else than to have time for yourself to go for a special mommy/daughter or mommy/son outing, a mani/pedi, a nap, or a massage or to take a long bubble bath, and catch up on whatever you wish. Treat yourself while he is out doing his thing and do a trade off. He gets to golf during the day while you go out with your girlfriends and he cooks dinner or watches the kids or tidies up the house at night.

Your man will come home happier, less stressed, and more energized to spend quality time with you. Accept him as he is. It will be easier to love him. While you may not believe me and everything that I’ve written, just trust me and give it time. While you adjust to the idea that if you let him play as much golf as he wants and worry he may never come home, just remember this saving grace. Golf can only be played during daylight hours. Hallelujah!

P.S. Golfers, don’t forget to forward this to your wives or girlfriend. Also, you’re welcome.

***New “rule” - when you ask me a question for anonymous advice and I answer it, could you write an anonymous comment so I know you're the one who ASKED and read the post?   :)

As always, I usually tweet any new posts I have. And anyone can email me questions and I respond only via this blog, not to your personal address.

I also write over at Jobstr.com under Hollywood Executive Assistant.

http://jobstr.com/threads/show/4303-hollywood-executive-assistant

10 Tips for Setting Up Your Social Media & Internet Presence Safely to Improve Your Job Search & to Protect Yourself

Hello New & Returning Readers,

About 2 years ago I wrote an in-depth post about how I job hunt.  I had always meant to expound on that post about how the internet, social media, and networking online play a very big role for how I conduct my search and also improve my chances of protecting myself.  So I figured, now would be a good time for part 2.  Here are my 10 tips on setting yourself up for a great job search, whether for the very first time or not.  AKA – Kiyomi’s 10 Tips for Setting Up Your Social Media & Internet Presence Safely to Improve Your Job Search & to Protect Yourself

They say that the interview starts even before you’ve walked through the door and it’s true.  Except in this day and age, it also starts even before they’ve contacted you for that interview to walk through their door.  Your online presence is probably everywhere and can be hurting you without you knowing it.  Whether fair or not, people make decisions based on emotions sometimes and exercise their personal preferences.  Here are some tips to think about.  I will admit they are not conventional, at all.    

1. Have more than one phone number and email address - Besides your personal cell number from your iPhone, get another free number just for job hunting or work.  Google voice, Sideline, and other companies offer local phone numbers for free.  They all connect to your cell phone, have texting capabilities, have apps, and offer voicemail with transcribed messages.  It’s also a good idea to have different emails for different purposes.  One for online shopping, one for job hunting/business, one for personal friends and family.  Through Gmail you can funnel all of them to one gmail address so you only have to sign into one account, yet you can reply back from the specific account that someone wrote to you at as well.  This way all of your accounts are separate.  This is key (more on that later).   

2. List your resume on career job sites - Okay, a lot of people will tell you it’s not worth it to post your resume on sites like Monster, CareerBuilder, Indeed, etc.  The dangers are a lot of spam or recruiters in a different country or state reaching out to you with ill intent, etc.  As long as you are smart and don’t give out your social security number via email through them, I think you’ll be fine.  The reason why I believe in doing this is because I once got found by Facebook through one of those sites.  Yes, Facebook!  This was 2011 and I got really lucky.  The LA office was tiny.  They had asked an outside company to look for an assistant.  This outside company did NOT specialize in hiring EAs nor admin at all.  However, Facebook was so over-extended that they couldn’t do it themselves.  That company looked online and found me.  I could NOT believe it either.  I got an actual interview out of it too.  I was not the right fit.  They wanted to promote someone to a sales role eventually which I had no interest in.  So while that may never happen again, I still post my resume online with a stripped down version because you never know.  

 

3. How to strip down your resume - An online stripped resume is used to post at sites like Monster or CareerBuilder that have resume databases for when any recruiters want to see who’s looking for a job.  These are generally pretty public for recruiters who have paying memberships.  (And they are slightly different than sites where you can save/hold your resume online, but only you can decide which specific company sees your resume when you 1-click apply to a specific job posting.  I’m not referring to those sites.  You can use your real full resume for those since it will be hidden until you give permission to share to each company.)  Thus, my online resume that anyone can see at anytime, does not list my supervisor/boss’ name at any of my jobs.  My private cell is not listed, since I have the free job hunt cell number from Google Voice.  I do not put my full address on it, just my city and state.  You can also use your job hunt email or an even more modified version of your email address if you use Gmail.  Search Gmail hacks for using the + symbol to have your email inbox sort various accounts by what you use in conjunction with the + sign (Monster, CareerBuilder, etc).  Or you can use them as a “disappearing” email address for newsletter sign ups and to track who actually sold or shared your email address.  

4. Do not use your real name on social media sites - I know MANY people may disagree with me or raise their eyebrows at this.  Just hear me out.  When I say social media sites, I mean sites you use purely for personal posting and for socialising.  Whether it’s Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Periscope, Pinterest, dating apps, or Twitter, as an executive assistant or admin assistant there really isn’t a reason why your personal postings should be under your real name.  If your job is in social media, that’s another story.  However, you do not need to be found with your full name or your job hunting email address/cell for any reason if you want to post about what you did that weekend or what you ate or bought etc.  As a testament to this, recruiting agencies or HR folks WILL Google you and WILL look you up on social media sites.  While it’s not fair that what they find may be used against you, they most likely will.  The more personal information you have online, the more they can use it against you.  Agencies will tell you to scrub your profile clean and will warn you their clients will also look you up.  

5. The ONLY time to use your real name is with LinkedIn and maybe Twitter - LinkedIn is a “social” media site for professionals which is why it’s the only one you should DEFINITELY list your real name.  Also list a photo (optional) and your job hunting email address, not the one work gave you.  With Twitter, depending on how you use it, you can use your real name.  If you are only using it to re-tweet and tweet business related content, by all means, go for it.  However, even then, there’s a news story online almost every week in which someone tweeted something and then got fired for it even if what they commented on was or was not related to work.  The problem lies in whatever they said, did, or endorsed was so terrible that people started to Google them and found out where they worked, it goes viral, the company they work for gets brought into the drama and things get worse from there.  I’m not saying you can’t have an online presence, I’m saying you should have separate accounts - lots of them.  But also, be a good person and learn from your mistakes.  

6. Separate accounts should truly be separate - Any names and photos you use for your NON WORK accounts should be nicknames, fake names, partial names, or photos where your face is not shown.  Use your pets’ photos, your favorite cartoon character, etc.  And make sure that you do NOT use the same photo or screen name across different social media sites.  Once they figure out who you are, if they go to another site they just have to look for the same name/phone/etc and they’ve found you everywhere.  So the key is to have a completely different fake name and fake photo for EACH account and that YOU add new people that are personal friends because new friends won’t be able to find you.  I’ve read articles online where people who use dating apps tend to use the best photo of themselves also for LinkedIn, Twitter, etc so even if your last name isn’t shown on one site/app, you can be found easily through other ones.        

7. Have multiple accounts for social media -  I sometimes have more than 1 account for social networks.  It’s wise to have a couple of accounts for EACH social media site if you will truly use it for work stuff. My name listed there does not have my full name regardless of if I’m using it for professional or personal use.  I only use my full name at LinkedIn and Twitter.   I am a part of 2 professional networking groups that are invite only.  They are professional groups on social media sites so a lot of people go there for advice, to vent, get feedback, or network with peers.  Almost any industry is small with about only 2 degrees of separation.  The point is, you don’t want random HR recruiters being able to find you online anytime you apply for a job.  Not that you have anything to hide, but do they really need to see a photo of you with a drink in each hand?  Or maybe wedding photos where they might think you spent too much money or perhaps not enough, even though it’s none of their business.  Or maybe they are a dog friendly office and see you are a cat person so they’d rather hire someone who also owns a dog.  Petty, yes.  Believable, also yes.  

8. Anything you write, online, in emails, in texts, anywhere, whether personal or business, assume it can be found and published at some point - With so much going on with hacking and lack of privacy online, assume that anything you write could potentially be seen by the entire world even if it’s 10 years from now, whether you are famous or not.  When Sony got hacked all those work emails got published and then archived forever to be searched by anyone for eternity.  Headlines mentioned a lot of personal things came to light.  You can never be too careful.  I just never understood why people used their work email address for personal use if the subject was strictly personal.  I realize a lot of these measures are very restrictive and you certainly have to pick your battles because you can’t live in a box or in fear your entire life.  I admit, it’s hard to know where to draw the line.      

9. At least twice a year, check your online presence - It’s always a good idea to Google yourself online and see what pops up.  Don’t forget to Google various name combinations, spellings, or your maiden name, etc.  You’ll want to see what links come up first, what pictures show up for you, or if other people have the same name for you that might affect you.  A couple of weeks ago, on Facebook, there was a post getting passed around about where you live, your family members, age, and contact information were visible at Family Tree Now so you should opt out.  I went to look and sure enough my information was there.  It’s probably a good idea to check a couple more sites that post public information for free online to see if you can opt out.  Also make sure your privacy settings are set so that people can NOT search for you in the public directory of any social media site.  This also means do not have your profile available to the public/Google search indexes, or without someone signing in and creating their own account.  Also delete old accounts, like MySpace.  If you find not nice things on the internet, figure out how to remove it or make it go further down on search results.  One of the ways to make it go away or not show up so high on Google is to create other pages for yourself so those rank higher.  You can create free pages at Strikingly, About.me, or other similar sites.  Showcase yourself as a professional, but also humanize your profile by giving a glimpse of who you are as a person with what your fave business book is, or your hobbies, or where you volunteer, etc.  Again, HR folks should not be able to look for you at all with your job hunting email address, personal or job hunting cell number, real name, or a real photo via using Google’s reverse image search.  And if it’s really bad or really urgent...  

10.  Hire a company to help you - A journalist friend of mine that wrote for a MAJOR front page web portal once was a random victim of repeated attacks on all their articles.  Someone who was bored had created an ENTIRE page/website to this person just to point out all of their mistakes.  Their colleague was very good with computers so they were able to figure out it was a complete stranger doing it and not anyone they knew at all, just an internet troll.  Unfortunately, by googling their name alone, this site comes up on the first page.  It’s towards the bottom, but it’s not a great first impression to make.  Companies like Reputation Management work with individuals as well as celebrities and companies in various different ways to help you manage your online identity.   

Now that you are harder to be found via your personal info and personal social media sites, create your own luck.  The goal in any job hunt is to find the hidden market, help others, grow and keep in touch with your network, and use the internet as a gateway to lead to a phone call, informational meeting, job interview, or fostering an in-person relationship.  Always send a cold email or take a chance.  Never be afraid to hear no as long as you asked nicely, are humble, and give them plenty of room to say no.  A future post will go over more tips on how I create my own luck.

***New “rule” - when you ask me a question for anonymous advice and I answer it, could you write an anonymous comment so I know you're the one who ASKED and read the post?   :)  

As always, I usually tweet any new posts I have. And anyone can email me questions and I respond only via this blog, not to your personal address.

I also write over at Jobstr.com under Hollywood Executive Assistant.

http://jobstr.com/threads/show/4303-hollywood-executive-assistant